An Omissive Confession

I feel I’ve been waking at 2:45 in the morning religiously over the last several months.

Staring into the bleached darkness of my living room

Neck strained from falling asleep on the couch again

A light sweat that traces down my chest and pools between my breasts

Finding myself unable to will the sleep back into me.

I’m starting to think that even my loneliness wants company

And with vehement intention

It pulls me out of the only place I’m able to dull my own emotions.

Silently screaming a reminder of where I’m at and how I got here.

As though a full length mirror is floating over my body

And I’m desperately searching for my reflection

My meek existence

Among all of the familiar things in my home.

It’s these moments where I’m so grateful to hear my son’s sweet breath rising and falling in the next room;

In what should be my room.

I can feel him there

In a complete state of comfort

And warmth

And out of harm’s way.

In that instant

I can see parts of me

Filling in the shadows of the mirror where my body should be

But even then

The room is still dark

And I strain to meet the gaze of my own eyes.

I’ve found self-worth again after betrayal;

But continue to misplace it.

I’ve endured abuse and have had strength to escape it;

But allow it to continue to haunt me.

I’ve regrettably suffered loss at my discretion;

Not for the sake of morality

But out of necessity.

I’m difficult to love

And will selflessly offer mine without hesitation.

Naive and couth in the same breath.

I read somewhere once that heartbreak is palpable

Yet seemingly lasts only a few short moments;

Suffering beyond several minutes is simply self-sabotage in overthinking;

Akin to the brief pain you feel when stubbing your toe by accident

But overreacting as a child might to the sudden sensation.

I think a sociopath made that up.

Perhaps my religion is heartbreak

And I’m being called by the consecrated church of my past

To slip out of the comfort of slumber;

To acknowledge the echo of despondency within myself

And devoutly meditate in it before sunrise.