An Explaination

For as long as I can remember I’ve not feared death.

Given an opportunity to observe me as a child you might have found yourself unnerved at my assuredness.

Not to be confused as one who indulged in the morbid;

Rather, uncharacteristically poised and collected when challenged with devastation.

Effortlessly holding onto my own sangfroid as the world seemed to unravel around me.

I’ve carried that presence of mind through the unholy crusade of my life;

Taking pride now in raising a son who, unknowingly, has inherited that same air of self-possession.

I’ve believed I’m only meant to fulfill a young life.

Envisioning a cloth neatly laid out with the stories of my existence spread across it;

Though I’ve never been able to see myself into old age.

Be certain to understand that I don’t wish for death in my youth.

I’m saddened by the thought of never seeing my son find love for the first time.

I grieve at the thought of not experiencing his first heartbreak with him;

Not being present to help him understand how beautiful it can be overcoming the desolation of loss.

I’m afraid to leave this life not having experienced a love that I’ve so selflessly offered to only a few so unworthy of receiving it;

Knowing I’m cared for by many, but letting my last breath escape this body not having felt the honest and desperate desire for my heart from another.

I fear laying my son to rest well before his time and continuing through the motions of my own life without him.

I fear the volatility of this world and not physically or emotionally being able to offer enough reassurance to those most in need.

I’ve more frequently dreamt about my own death.

I’ve received confession of my death in the dreams belonging to loved ones.

I’m realizing the importance of embracing my fears;

Subconsciously preparing for my own reawakening.

Confirming the inevitability of a new beginning through the visions of others.

I can sense the shift in the sacredness of the all existing matter that dwells in me

Crying out from my Creator in a hidden Paradise

Asking me to confront the tangibility of time on this earth

And allowing myself to breathe the desires of my heart into existence.

I don’t fear death.

I fear the uncertainty of the length of the journey to death.